A/N: I know this has gotten really angsty, kinda sad and not really that enjoyable, but bear with me. The sadness is coming to an end in this chapter and it's worth it. I hope. I've also added snippets of present-day fluffiness in between to lighten the mood a bit.
This is a very, very, very long chapter - again.
Enjoy!
(Flashback - Italics)
Dried blood and the overwhelming odor of iron. Bloody hands shaking. A shocked body shivering involuntarily. Crimson. Scarlet. Red. It was all over him. Her blood was all over him. He grabbed hold of the cold white basin, staining it with his red, shaking hands. Staining it with her blood. He looked up and flinched at his own reflection in the mirror. His clothes were in disarray and tainted with bloody smears; his face was colourless and pale; his blue eyes were teeming with hot tears. The man he saw wasn't Richard Castle, mystery novelist extraordinaire and carefree playboy. It was a shadow of his former self. His ghost. His lost soul.
He took a few deep breaths, struggling against the mass pushing up in his throat. After a few moments, he ventured to turn on the tap with a trembling hand. Her blood was now on the basin and tap. He washed his tremulous hands; the bloody, red water slowly disappearing down the drain. Her blood disappearing down the drain. He scrubbed and rinsed and scrubbed and rinsed for what felt like an eternity, still feeling the texture of dried blood on the surface of his palms.
The shooting flashed through his mind again – Reece pointing a gun at him, he suddenly on the ground, the cracking sound of shots ringing out, the smell of gunfire and then Kate lying next to him on the floor with a dark, maroon pool forming underneath her. He knew exactly what happened – Kate had pushed him out of harm's way and took the hit. She had put herself in the line of fire for him. She had saved his life. It was tragic and very nearly poetic. His face contorted into an emotional grimace and he gave his head an angry shake. 'Stupid, wonderful, extraordinary, idiot woman!'
He gritted his teeth and braced himself against the basin again. His vision was by now swimming. His throat burned, his chest contracted and after a few moments he couldn't hold it back any longer – a paralyzing sob tore through his body, stealing his breath away. Large, heavy and burning drops fell one by one into the basin. His tears mixing with her blood. He slowly crumpled into a helpless mess, unable to hold himself together any longer. Sitting on the floor of the men's bathroom in the New York Presbyterian Hospital, Rick Castle gave into the trauma.
Fear colliding with shock. Sorrow colliding with weariness. Love smashed into loss. There was only one thought echoing through his mind, one tormenting mantra.
'It should have been me. It should have been me. It should have been me.'
XXXX
It was Saturday night and that meant movie night at Casa del Castle. It also meant pizza, popcorn, ice-cream and other decadent indulgences. Phones were turned off, lights were dimmed and silliness ensued. Lines were mimicked in ridiculous voices and songs from musicals were sung off key... obviously leading to fits of hysterical laughter. Most of the time it was a joyous occassion for all participants, but tonight one participant was less than enthusiastic. One overbearing, incorrigible man-child that is. Because tonight it was Kate's turn to pick a movie from their impressive collection. They usually went for something light and comedic - either involving Hepburn and Grant or Hepburn and Tracy. Tonight, though, Kate picked the one movie that Rick
really didn't like, or more accurately, despised.
"Arrghh, do we
reeaally have to watch this tonight? Isn't there something else you wanna watch instead?
Anything?" Kate slowly turned her head towards her husband and lifted an eyebrow. They were comfortably seated on the large black leather couch. Kate, legs curled underneath her, was nestled against Rick who had an arm wrapped around her shoulder. His other hand rested on her large baby bump, gently caressing it and occassionally feeling his daughter's erratic movements.
She gave him a defiant look and pushed play, holding his gaze. "No."
Rick pouted and frowned. "I
hate this movie."
"Well man up Writer Boy, 'cause we're watching it," Kate hit back unsympathetically, dropping popcorn into her mouth.
"You do realise you just told me to quote, 'man up', unquote, and watch four hours." He raised four fingers for emphasis. "Four hours of... of Rhett Butthead and Slutlett O'Whora." He snorted derisively. "Why can't I, like other men, just be allowed to man up by drinking a lot of beer and farting in public?"
She turned and looked up at him again. "Firstly, you don't like beer and secondly...
Ew." Her expression changed from a disapproving frown to amusement. "Rhett Butthead and Slutlett O'Whora?
Seriously? That's the best you can do?"
"Don't forget Ashley I'm-A-Wuss and.. and uh, brain dead What's-Her-Face, wife of
Ash-ley,' he said the name with a Southern drawl. "-and mortal frenemy of our dear Slutlett."
Kate strained to contain her laughter, eventually turning to the TV and mumbling. "Don't quit your day job, sweetie."
Rick's expression turned optimistic. "Speaking of which... Hey maybe I could go attend to my breadwinning day job and...
you could watch the movie. I already know how it ends." He shrugged innocently. "I don't want to spoil it for you."
Kate narrowed her eyes and flashed him a tight smile. "Nice try, Mr. Castle. But if I could sit through Star Wars for the tenth time,
you can sit through the greatest-" He started to protest, but she only put hand over his mouth and raised her voice. "-movie of all time!" She released her hand and grinned at him.
"It's not!"
"
Ricky, we've been over this before - Gone with the Wind is most definitely the greatest movie of all time."
"Nah-uh."
"Yea-uh."
"Don't think so, my sunflower pit."
She gave him an incredulous look. "Sunflow- you know what, no comment." She held up a hand and shook her head.
"What's wrong with
sunflower pit? I think it's sweet and endearing... And it suits your
sunny personality, Mrs. Castle," he added sarcastically, leering at her. She watched him for a few moments before leaning up and whispering into his ear.
"If you call me that again,
kitten, you'll be losing something rather important." She sat back and darted her eyes to down to his crotch.
"Well,
we'll be losing something rather important," he shot back after a beat, grinning at her mischievously. She, unsurprisingly, rolled her eyes at him.
Rick caught it and looked at her in mock resentment. "You know, I don't appreciate that eye-roll or your bizarre threat to turn me into an enoch... What's up with that by the way?" She only shrugged, watching the screen and eating a handful of popcorn.
"I mean here I am, sitting through Four-Hours-of-Bore for you and what do I get in return?" He gestured with his hand at her. "Attitude! Not liking it, Mrs. Castle, not liking it." By now Kate was grinning at her husband's melodramatic tirade. Her focus, however, was still on the screen.
"Well, too bad. It's called marriage, Castle."
He pouted and mumbled. "It's called sacrifice."
She turned to look at him, a sculpted eyebrow shooting up. "Sacrifice?" Her eyes narrowed and she sat down the bowl of popcorn. "May I remind you, Geekboy, that I had to endure a whole evening of Star Wars a few weeks ago because you weren't 'feeellliiinng' well. Did I complain?"
"No, but you dozed off."
She ignored his comment and went on. "Furthermore, this-" She pointed to the TV. "-isn't a sacrifice. This-" She pointed to her baby bump. "-and bringing
your child-" She poked him playfully in the chest. "-into the world, is a sacrifice."
He sighed deeply. "Fine. You win... Are you gonna use the 'I'm-carrying-your-baby'-card every time we don't agree? Because I gotta tell you, that's not fair." He grew thoughtful before continuing. "I guess the only thing that could trump that is the 'I'm-a-married-enoch'-card." At this Kate burst out laughing; bright and infectious. Rick also laughed, not because of what he said, but due to his wife's happy laughter. It was a gorgeous sight and he fell in love with her all over again.
He always did.
After her bout of laughter, Kate wiped a happy tear from her eye and leaned back against him. "Can we now watch the movie, please?" She tucked her head under his chin while he pulled her closer.
"Sure, there's only about three and a half hours left." She smiled subtly at this, her eyes focused on the screen. He pressed a kiss on top of her head, his eyes also (reluctantly) on the screen.
They were silent for about five minutes before Rick spoke again.
"KC?"
"Mmmm?" She responded lazily.
"Promise me you won't expose our daughter to Rhett Butthead and Slutlett O'Whora. My eldest has already been damaged by it."
"Only if you promise to keep our daughter away from Star Snores. Unlike what you did to your eldest. Poor girl."
"Star Snores - oh
funny, Detective, very funny... Nice word play."
"I know, right?" She looked up at him and smiled. He smiled back before his expression grew serious.
"But a word of advice - don't quit your day job." She laughed and shook her head, returning it to rest on his chest just underneath his chin.
They lapsed into content silence, letting the seconds changed into minutes and the minutes convert into hours. They were carefree with their time together; it was indolent and casual. Not because they did not treasure it, but because they had it in surplus.
They
had time to lapse into content silence. Time to spar. Time to fight. Time to make love. Time to create life.
Time, in short, had become their trusted friend. It resided with them now because they were together.
Before that, time had been their tormenting enemy.
Four hours. Four tormenting hours. Waiting, hoping, praying. Kate had been in the OR for four hours, undergoing emergency surgery. There were no definite answers or guarantees. Just hope and faith. The greatest of these being faith.
Six forlorn figures cluttered the waiting area, tense and silent with fear. Each one was engrossed in thought - praying, begging and pleading. And occassionally imagining their lives without Kate Beckett.
Ryan was standing, arms tightly folded around himself while he quietly muttered to an unseen Being. Esposito was sitting with his elbows on his knees, rubbing his hands over his face while his eyes closed in fervent supplication. Lanie was sitting beside him, her hand stroking his back absent-mindedly in an effort to provide some form of comfort. She fixed her puffy eyes to something insignificant on the floor all the while shooting up silent prayers. Captain Montgomery sat back in his chair, his expression stern and serious. There was only one verse running through his mind: 'Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil...'. Jim Beckett, already mourning a loved one, moved around in his seat agitatedly; anxiety gripping his heart. His eyes welled up unwillingly as he thought about his daughter - from the girl who he had taught to roller skate to the strong woman who had saved him from the depths of despair. She was his Katie. His little girl. Flesh of his flesh and bone of his bone. He closed his eyes and pleaded in the language of the broken heart that only God could understand.
The only one not praying was Rick. He resorted to bargaining. Bargaining on behalf of Kate, on behalf of her life. He wasn't religious and he didn't believe in a supernatural being ruling the universe, but he had faith. Faith in miracles, in fate, in love. If he could, Rick told the Unseen Force, he would happily trade places with her. Unfortunately, as with any tragedy, events could not be undone. Treacherous time could not be turned back.
Another few unnoticed minutes ticked by before a figure clad in blue scrubs approached them. Lanie was the first one to notice him and shot up, almost running up to the man. The others hurriedly followed.
Once they were all gathered around him, Dr. Joseph Weston didn't waste anytime to divulge the information he had.
"The operation was a success, but she's still in a critical condition and we will be monitoring her closely. There was quite a bit of blood loss... Luckily for Kate the bullets missed all of her vital organs." Everyone sighed a breath of relief. "Really, she's lucky to be alive."
"When can we see her?" Jim asked.
"The nurse will inform you when you can see your daughter, Mr. Beckett."
"Thank you, Dr. Weston... We're all just very relieved that Kate's okay," Montgomery added. Dr. Weston smiled briefly.
"I can see that. She's lucky to have friends and family like you who clearly care a lot for her wellbeing... Now if you'll excuse me," he said with a nod before walking away.
The six figures now dared to breathe easily and smile at the good news. Esposito and Ryan embraced each other while Montgomery patted a relieved Jim Beckett's back with a smile. Lanie was grinning happily from ear to ear, her eyes brimming with thankful tears. She wanted to hug someone and seeing that everyone else was engaged, she looked around for Rick. He had collapsed into a nearby chair, bent forward with his head in his hands. She walked towards him, sat down in the chair beside him and placed a hand on his shoulder.
"Honey... she's gonna be okay," she whispered soothingly. Rick took a deep breath and after a few moments sat up to look at her.
"I was really scared," he admitted softly. "When he walked up to us, I..." he trailed off, averting her gaze.
"We all were, Castle." She took his hand in hers. "Kate is my best friend and if I'd lost her." She swallowed in an effort to keep tears at bay. "It would me take a lifetime to recover."
"I wouldn't recover," Rick whispered, focusing on their intertwined hands. "She did it for me, you know?" He looked up at her with a pained expression and she only nodded sagely. They were all aware of what Kate had done - she had risked her life for her partner. It was admirable and noble. No one blamed him and that Rick found disturbing because he blamed himself for what Kate had to go through.
"Lanie, I'm in love with her," he confessed quietly, uncertain eyes searching hers. Her expression softened and she smiled at him, a wise and knowing smile.
"And you're only realising it now?" She chuckled lightly and playfully pushed his arm. "Damn Writer Boy, you are dense!"
The only sound in the room was the rhythmic beep of the heart monitor, telling him that she was still alive. Still there. Still fighting. He held onto her hand for his own sanity, not taking his eyes off her. In some irrational way, Rick Castle believed that Kate Beckett would somehow open her eyes if he kept his fixed on her. Even with two bullets to the abdomen, excruciating life-saving surgery and pipes flowing out of her throat, Kate was still breathtakingly beautiful. To him anyway. He, on the other hand, looked terrible - disheveled, unshaven, pale, red-eyed and exhausted. But he couldn't drag himself away; he couldn't reliquish the hope that she would open her green eyes and look at him.
"It wasn't your fault, Castle," Roy said quietly. Rick's eyes briefly flickered in the other man's direction. He didn't respond.
"Did you hear me?" Montgomery leaned forward in his seat. "It wasn't your fault," he continued more forcefully, slowly rolling the words from his tongue.
"It is," Rick snapped, looking up at the other man. "Because of me, she's lying here... Because of me, she's fighting for her life," he continued gritting his teeth. Eyes on her again. Praying. Pleading. Hoping.
"You didn't pull the trigger," Montgomery responded softly. "What she did was brave."
"What she did was stupid," Rick interrupted sharply, still looking at a motionless and eerily serene Kate Beckett.
"She saved your life." Rick stiffened at this before slowly turning his head in the Captain's direction.
"Yeah..." He mused sadly, nodding his head. "But I'm the one who should be lying here. Not her." He glanced down at her again, still hoping. "She's too good for this," he whispered, tears starting to blur his vision. He gently brushed strands of unruly hair away from her forehead.
"Yeah- yes she is," Montgomery conceded after a few moments, his voice a little shaky with emotion. Consequently, he got up from his seat and made his way towards the door. Before exiting, he turned to Rick.
"I'll be back in a minute...Take care of her, Castle."
"I will."
Blue eyes still glued on her. Praying. Pleading. And always hoping. Not just that she would wake up, but that she would be able to hear what he was about to confess.
"I love you."
Ten minutes after Rick's silent confession of love, Josh burst through the door of her hospital room - frantic and frenzied. Rick shot up from his chair at the loud intrusion. The two men locked eyes for a few seconds before Josh's eyes darted towards Kate, lying motionless on the bed. He rushed over to her.
"W-What happened?" He gently brushed a hand over her forehead and cheek, looking down at her with sincere concern and something else Rick recognised: love.
Rick dropped his head slightly and sank back into his seat. "Uh... a shoot-out with a suspect. She-" He pursed his lips, struggling to formulate the sentence. "-got in the line of fire." His voice became soft and strangled as the shooting flashed through his mind again and his share in it. An overwhelming wave of guilt hit him and the tormenting mantra once again echoed through his mind: 'It should have been me. It should have been me. It should have been me.'
Josh shook his head in disbelief and collapsed into the chair next to the bed, on the other side from where Rick had been sitting. "I- I... was in surgery-" He ran a hand over his contorted face, keeping his eyes on her. "-I didn't know." He leaned in closer and took her hand in his, placing a gentle kiss on it and fixed his eyes - much like Rick did earlier - on Kate.
Rick became acutely aware that her hand wasn't in his anymore. That his eyes were not the only pair glued to her. That his lips weren't the only ones begging silently. That his heart wasn't the only one holding her. They sat in silence for a while before Josh looked up at Rick, noticing his scruffy appearance and the exhuastion etched underneath his eyes.
"How long have you been here, man?"
Rick rubbed his eyes with his fingers before pinching his nose with his thumb and forefinger. "Uh... I'm not sure." He glanced at his watch. "Maybe about twelve hours."
Josh watched him for a few moments. "Thank you," he said softly.
"You don't have to thank me." Rick turned his attention back to Kate. "I'd give anything to take her place," he said softly. For a fleeting moment Josh felt a tinge of sympathy for the forlogned figure. He had always felt insecure about Kate's 'partnership' with Rick Castle and it was the cause of many of their arguments.
"Why don't you go home and get some rest, Rick... I'm here now."
'I'm here now.' The words stung him. Josh, the rightful owner of Kate Beckett's heart, was there to take care of her. He wasn't needed any longer.
He inhaled and exhaled slowly, rubbed his hands over his thighs, got up and took one last look at her "Call me when she wakes up." Was his final words before walking out of the room.
Once outside and standing next to the window, he took a few moments and glanced over to his rival and then back to Kate. A sad smile tugged at his lips. Josh was a good guy, a man who clearly loved Kate and someone that she could be happy with. Someone who wouldn't hurt her or place her life in danger. Someone she could build a life with. The sobering realisation dawned on him: it wasn't about what he wanted anymore - it had become about her. What she wanted and, more importantly, what she needed. Her happiness and wellbeing had become more important to him than his own desire and heart's contentment. The bitter truth was that he had no rightful claim to her heart even if she had sovereignty over his.
Wednesday afternoon…
Rick stood in the doorway, carefully scrutinizing his muse. She was deep in thought and staring out of the window as pallid sunlight softly beamed through. She looked small in the oversized hospital dress and strangely vulnerable with the IV-drip coming out of her slender arm. She was pale and the usual spark in her eyes was dimmed. Rick flinched slightly. This wasn't the Kate Beckett he knew and felt a wave of guilt crash over him.
He hesitated before lightly rapping the open door.
Her head sharply turned in his direction and she automatically sat up, smiling. "Hey." Her voice was faintly hoarse.
"Hey," he replied softly, walking towards her bed. He stood next to it, nervously fiddling with the bouquet of hand-picked flowers in his hands.
"Here… I, I brought you these." He smiled shyly and dumbly held out the flowers to her.
She bit her cheek in an effort not smirk at his nervousness which she found adorable. She took the flowers and inhaled the sweet scent.
"Thank you, Castle. They're lovely." Her eyebrows shot up slowly as she flashed him a teasing smile. "Well… don't I get a hug?"
His brow furrowed in uncertainty.
"Don't worry. I won't bite." He returned a faint smile.
'Yeah, but you might break,' the thought involuntarily rushed through his mind as he perused her fragile form. He leaned down and cautiously placed an arm around her midsection, careful not to touch her injury. Kate placed her arm around his shoulder and lifted herself slightly; pulling their bodies closer. Her cheek brushed his, her soft skin colliding with his stubbled counterpart. Her eyes closed briefly and she smiled slightly, breathing him in. Rick faintly turned his head and pressed a soft kiss against her cheek.
"Welcome back," he murmured against her ear before extracting himself and rising.
"It's good to be back," she replied softly.
He sat down, cocked his head and looked at her for a few moments, his expression tender.
She frowned slightly and bit her lower lip coyly."What?"
"Nothing… I'm just glad you're alright." His voice was gentle and his expression lacking Rick Castle's usual mischievousness. "How are you feeling?"
She smiled at him, despite the weariness buried in her emerald eyes. "Not too bad for someone who got shot in the stomach." His face dropped at this and his eyes shifted away from hers.
Heavy silence descended, both of them aware of its presence.
Rick suddenly leaned forward and took one of her hands in his. She looked at him and was slightly taken aback by his intense expression.
"Kate, I'm so sorry for what happened to you-"
"Rick… don't apologize to me." She placed her free hand over their intertwined ones. "It wasn't your fault." she continued, softening her tone. He averted her gaze and slightly dropped his head. He wanted to challenge her comment, but opted instead to give a small, singular nod.
When he looked at her again, his expression was solemn. "Thank you… for saving my life."
She met his gaze and shrugged. "That's what partners do." A small smile tugged at her lips. "Besides, I was the one with the gun." Reluctantly he smiled at their joke.
His phone started to ring, breaking the moment. Rick snapped it out of his pocket and groaned when he read the caller ID.
"Who is it?"
"Paula," he answered, briefly looking at Kate before returning his eyes to the phone. Eventually he cut off the call and turned off his phone.
Kate smiled in amusement. "What have you done now, Castle?"
"Nothing! Well, that's kind of the problem." He paused for a few seconds. "It's about the book tour. I told her to cancel and obviously she flipped. To be honest, I'm sleeping with one eye open - she's kinda dangerous."
Kate laughed and he smiled. At least they still had that.
"Why did you tell her to cancel?"
He stared dumbly at her for a while. "Uh… because of the shooting… Because of you."
Kate 's eyebrows lifted in surprise. "Me?"
He shrugged. "Well… yeah. I mean… I don't want to leave you-" He gestured with his hand towards her. "-here like this."
Kate's expression softened. "Castle, I'm fine… Really you should go."
"But-"
"I don't want you giving Nikki Heat a bad name... I have a reputation to uphold." She smiled at him slightly and he returned one himself."Besides, I don't need you here… I'm well taken care of, I promise," she continued in a light tone.
The smile dropped from his face and he only meekly nodded in response.
"So...?" Kate arched her eyebrows, waitng for a response.
"Fine, I'll go," he reluctantly agreed.
Again, the realisation hit him - she didn't need him. In fact, if it wasn't for him, she wouldn't... He didn't finish the thought. Instead he plastered a smile on his face and put on the Rick Castle show.
"Tell me, Detective, do you enjoy sponge baths?"
Thursday…
Comfotable silence descended as the fits of hysterical laugther subsided. Kate wiped her eye, smiling broadly at her friend who was shaking her head and letting out a residual chuckle. Lanie was relaying a story from her college days, more specifically a story involving cheesy nineties music, too many tequila shots and bad pick-up lines.
"I can't believe he said that," Kate said, feeling another bout of laughter coming on. She was still in the hospital, recovering from the operation. Despite still being paler than usual and looking a little vulnerable in a hospital bed, the sparkle had returned to her eyes. Kate Beckett was slowly but surely returning.
"Girl, it was a disaster," Lanie replied, smiling.
Kate shook her head with a grin. "Poor guy."
"Poor guy? Poor guy- Puhlease!" Lanie put up a hand, scowling at her friend. "I'm the one who had to suffer through 'pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours?' and 'your daddy must have been a baker, because you've got a nice set of buns.'"
Kate laughed again. "That sounds like something Castle would use." The words were out of her mouth and smile on her lips before she could help it. Lanie arched an eyebrow.
"Writer Boy doesn't need any pick up lines... He's charming enough."
A faint smile tugged at Kate's lips as she turned her gaze to her hands in her lap. "Yeah, he is."
They were quiet again, Lanie slightly cocked her head and watched her friend closely.
"He really cares about you, Kate." Her voice was soft, but insistent.
Kate took in a deep breath and nodded. "I know," she said gently, looking at her friend. She turned away and caught sight of the large, hand-picked bouquet of flowers that Rick had brought her the previous evening.
"And you care about him." Lanie pushed.
"Yeah I guess so."
Lanie's eyebrows shot up in disbelief. "Guess so? Honey, you took two bullets for the man - that is more than 'I-just-care-about-someone'."
Kate pursed her lips and frowned. "He's my partner, Lanie, I would do anything...," she trailed off. She looked down at her hands.
Her friend's expression softened and she took Kate's hand in hers. "Give him a chance, sweetie."
The dark-haired woman smiled ruefully and shook her head. "Why? So that he could break my heart again? Don't think so," she said with a snort. Despite her tough exterior, Lanie knew how much Kate had been hurt by Rick's departure the previous summer. She found Kate sobbing in the bathroom just after Rick had walked off with Gina.
"You're still convinced he's a love-'em-and-leave-'em kida guy?"
Kate looked at the ME skeptically. "C'mon Lanie, you're not?"
Lanie considered her next words carefully, cautious not to reveal Rick's confession of love. "No. Not when it comes to you." Kate felt her stomach churn at her friend's blunt statement. She brushed off her uneasiness and smiled stubbornly at her friend.
"You're forgetting one small detail, Dr. Parish - Josh. And the fact that I kinda like him. A lot." It was proving more and more difficult for Kate to convince herself of the intensity of her feelings for Josh and to deny the hold Rick Castle had over her heart.
"Oh, I didn't forget about him," Lanie replied without skipping a beat. "I just know that Castle's your one-and-done and that you will end up together... eventually." She reached for her purse and got up.
Kate rolled her eyes and pursed her lips in an effort not to grin. "Castle and I aren't star-crossed lovers, Shakespeare."
"Mock me however you want to, Ms. Beckett." She pointed a righteous finger at Kate. "But mark my words - you and Richard Castle are meant for each other… It's written in the stars." She winked at Kate and walked out the door, leaving her friend to chew on her prediction.
Kate's forehead crinkled, her brow furrowed and her bottom lip became lodged in between her teeth. She didn't believe in magic or fate or even true love. But as her mind - as it so often did - wandered to Rick Castle and his boyish grin, she felt herself starting to hope in Lanie's stars and what they might offer...
Meanwhile at the precinct...
The Captain leaned back against his chair and carefully considered the man in front of him. In his thirty odd years on the force, Roy Montgomery came across a lot of good men, but there were few who he actually liked and respected. Rick Castle was one of the few.
"You're sure you want to do this, Castle?"
Rick, who's eyes have been religiously situated on the model football on the desk, looked up at the Captain. He smiled regretfully.
"No, I'm not… I don't want to leave... But, Roy, I- I have to-" He paused for a moment."-for her sake."
"Castle, the shooting. It wasn't your-" Rick stopped him by putting up a hand.
"No matter how many times you or Ryan or Esposito or Lanie tell me that… I still can't believe it." His eyes automatically shifted to the window, facing the bullpen. "I- I need to do this," he whispered.
The Captain sighed, seeing that arguing with a heartborken man was useless. He knew that Rick loved Kate; it was obvious for everyone - except her.
"She's not going to like it. You know that, right?"
He nodded, his eyes perusing the bullpen. Reluctantly he drew his eyes back to the older man.
His voice was barely audible when he spoke. "I know." He paused for a moment before getting up. "Thank you, Captain... for everything." The two men shook hands before Rick walked out the door.
Spotting Esposito and Ryan at their desks, he approached them. The two men simultaneously looked up at him.
"Esposito? Ryan?... I need to talk to you."
The following Monday…
He had been visiting her almost every day since the shooting and each day she was coming back to herself, little by little. The previous visits were light and filled by their usual playful banter, both ignoring the few elephants in the room. Today, however, was going to be different - very different. His stomach turned in apprehension and chest tightened. He was about to break his own heart and hurt the woman he loved.
But it had been decided. Rick Castle was going to remove himself. Remove himself from her world and remove himself from her life in an effort to ease the grip she had over his heart.
Rick took in a deep breath and exhaled it slowly before opening the door.
"Hi," he greeted stepping into the hospital room.
"Hi." She returned a bright smile.
He held up another bouquet of hand-picked flowers. "From Alexis and my mother. They send their regards and best wishes." He set the flowers next to her on the bed stand.
She returned a broad grin. "They're beautiful… Thank them for me."
"I will," he replied with a smile.
He glanced tensely around the room, spotting all the flowers and get-well balloons. His eyes came to rest on a particular bouquet of flowers and a small white teddy bear – dressed in a leather jacket – next to it on the bed stand.
He grinned as he took it. "I didn't know you were a teddy bear kinda girl, Beckett." For a moment the playful sparkle returned to his blue eyes.
"Yeah well… there are a lot of layers to the Beckett onion, Castle," she shot back with a grin.
"What's with the jacket?"
"Isn't it obvious? It's a motorcycle teddy bear." She smiled broadly. "Josh got it for me."
His eyes zipped to hers and his smile faded slowly, sitting down the toy.
"He's a good man, Kate." He admitted soberly and very reluctantly.
She bit her lower lip as her mind went back to the drama that had unfolded exactly a week before.
"I know," she replied in a whisper. He hesitated before asking the next question, knowing that it could slice through him.
"And he makes you happy?" Her eyes met his, her brow furrowing in both surprise and alarm at his inquiry.
She considered his question for a moment, mauling potential answers through her mind. She liked Josh and yes he made her happy… to an extent. She opted for the simple and honest answer of "Yes."
A rueful smile pulled at his lips.
"Good, I'm…" 'I'm happy if you're happy' he wanted to say, but instead opted for "I'm glad."
Despite his sincerity, she could see residual longing carved in his cobalt blue eyes. They needed to clear the air.
"Rick... about what happened-" He dropped his gaze from her eyes and clenched his jaw. "-I- I'm sorry about what I said... I do trust you." He looked up at her again. "You're my partner and I don't want to mess that up-" she stammered, not sure about what she wanted to say. He looked up at her and held up his hand.
"I understand, Kate... As long as you're happy." He dropped his eyes again, careful not show how much that admission hurt. He meant it, God knows he meant it. He wanted her, above all things, to be happy. Even if she experienced happiness with someone else.
She felt her heart stir with a plethora of feelings and emotions towards the man sitting in front of her. The one question she couldn't answer properly was continuously running through her mind:
'Why did I take two bullets for him?'
When he spoke, his tone was remorseful and soft, but steady. "I'm so sorry for... everything. From what happened between us and the shooting-"
She attempted to cut him off, but he held up a hand.
"I just wanted you to know that this-" He motioned a finger between himself and her. "Has been one of the best experiences of my life." She frowned upon hearing this.
"Castle?" Alarm crept into her voice.
He pursed his lips and avoided her eyes for a moment, before bringing them back to her. "I'm leaving for Europe on Thursday… for the book tour." She nodded slowly.
"Kate… I'm not coming back to the 12th after it," he said in barely a whisper. She became rigid and her eyes grew wide. He saw the need to clarify his statement.
"When... I saw you... lying there in your own blood-" He took a breath. "-fighting for your life." He grimaced at the memory. "I lost it… You almost died because of me… I- I can't… do that to you again." His eyes were brimming with tears by now. "I should be the one lying in that bed. Not you."
"Don't you dare." She sharply cut him off. "Don't you dare walk away again." She shook her head; her eyes were also swimming by now.
"Please, don't make this any harder for me than it already is."
She shook her head stubbornly, not looking at him and putting up a futile fight against the tears starting to roll down her cheeks. "That's it? You're just walking out?" She turned to look at him, her eyes ablaze. "I guess I shouldn't be surprised." He watched for a few moments.
"I'm doing it for you," he admitted softly.
She scowled at him incredulously. "Me? You're doing this for me? You're walking out on our partnership, our friendship for me?" She yelled, livid, while he only listened in passive silence.
Turning towards her, he calmly responded. "Yes, I'm doing it for you."
"Bullshit!" She spat, blind with rage. "You're just a coward, you selfish son of a bitch!" Angry tears still making their way downward.
He stood up quietly, watching her for a few moments before leaning down towards her. "Goodbye Kate," he said in a slightly shaky voice, kissing her forehead; his lips soft on her skin. She recoiled in anger and turned her face away from him. He retracted and watched her for a moment, his fingers lightly caressing her cheek. She pulled away even more, unable to stop the current of hot tears now streaming down her face. He finally stood up and walked towards the door.
Rick stopped, handle in his hands, and turned back to look at her.
"I'm going to miss you, Detective," he said quietly, his voice steady and his vision blurry. Kate momentarily closed her eyes upon hearing this, another resentful tear escaping down her cheek. When she opened them again, he was gone.
Just like that, Rick Castle had walked out of her life again. And just like that, her heart broke again.
Thursday morning 02:00 am…
Rick fidgeted with the envelope, hesitating for the umpteenth time to do what he intended. She needed an explanation, he needed to confess and they both needed closure.
With that in mind, he bent down and slid the envelope underneath her door. He stood up and did what he did best – walking away and leaving his heart behind.
XXXX
Kate smiled to herself as she pulled out the crumpled and yellowing piece of paper from the wooden box. It was one of her most valuable treasures along with her mother's ring. Reading it again, her eyes filled with tears once more as it did those many years ago. But this time, the tears were accompanied by a faint smile. She felt her heart flip as it did those many years ago when she first read his love letter to her.
Placing a hand on her stomach where her daughter was kicking fiercely, she whispered. "You're daddy is a hopeless romantic, Lizzy… He believes in magic and in the stars and in true love." Her face split into a wide grin. "But you know what? I'm starting to believe in it too..."
She discovered it under her door the next morning (she had been home from the hospital since Tuesday) and recognised his handwriting. At first, she was torn between throwing it out with the trash or burning it. But as the hours progressed, her curiosity and agitation increased. Finally, she relented, letting desperate curiosity win.
She opened the manila envelope addressed to her in his
writing. Her hands fumbled as she pulled out the letter, her heart beat wildly against her chest and her stomach churned in anticipation. She waited a few moments before flipping the white paper open.
"Kate-"
'I love it when he uses my name,' the thought rushed through her mind, unnoticed.
"-you deserve a proper explanation for why I am doing what I'm doing. Unfortunately, I don't seem to be able to find the right words tonight to tell you what I feel. Words, my old friends, seem to have deserted me in my time of need. You have rendered me incapable of proper expression, Detective. I wanted this to be eloquent and breathtaking and beautiful, but it keeps coming back to one simple thing. To the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life. To the one sin I most ardently confess to – love.
I love you, Katherine Beckett."
Her eyes welled up as she placed a hand over her slightly ajar mouth.
"I love you beyond my own desire, beyond my own wellbeing, beyond my own happiness and beyond my own heart's beating. That is the plain and simple truth whether you believe it or not. I hope you do.
This has also become my own personal hell because I'm standing in the way of both your wellbeing and happiness and, frankly, I would much rather break my heart than yours.
So, here is reason why I'm not coming back, Kate: I want you, need you, to be happy. All I ask in return, is that you take care of yourself, have a little fun and live a fulfilled and blissfully happy life. Please, don't make me beg."
Kate smiled weakly at this through her blurred vision.
"You are extraordinary and will always have a sanctuary in my heart. Always, I promise.
'I carry your heart with me
(I carry it in my heart)
I am never without it
(Anywhere I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)'
I will miss you for the rest of my life,
Rick"
One. Two. Three droplets fell onto the letter, limp, in her hands, staining and smudging some of the words. His words. His declaration. His confession.
Tears rolled down her face, slowly and ruefully as the realisation dawned on her. Rick Castle loved her and she loved him. That was the plain and simple truth written in Lanie's stars.
As Fate intended. As the laws of love declared. As time assured.
Rome, four weeks and many changes later...
"...Couldn't you at least flirt with her?" Paula asked exasperated as they walked through the door of Rick's luxurious hotel suite. "I mean, God, Rick she was practically all over you!" They had been at a charity event earlier the evening where Rick had been a guest of honour. As usual there were a string of gorgeous women who fawned over him. But, unusually, Rick Castle seemed immune to their advances - much to his agent's ire.
Rick sighed while loosening his neck-tie. He was tired - in more ways than one. He was tired of the book tour, he was tired of Paula's incessant nagging and he was tired of missing a certain homicide detective.
"I was pleasant enough," he said with shrug, plopping down onto one of the soft chairs.
Paula's eyebrows shot up as she narrowed her eyes. "The old Rick Castle wouldn't be here right now... alone. He would be having a great time with some beautiful woman."
He leered at her and shot back sarcastically. "I'm not alone... and don't sell yourself short, Paula. You are a beautiful woman."
She placed a hand on her hip and shifted her weight, tapping her foot in agitation.
"You know what I mean." Softening her tone, she continued. "Rick, you need to forget about her." His head snapped up and his expression grew taut.
"Easier said than done." His mind unwillingly conjured up the various images he had stored of Kate Beckett.
"Yeah well, it would be easier if you have a little fun."
"I'm not going to forget her by sleeping with bimbettes and celebutantes," he snapped in irritation. He would never get over her - of that he was sure.
Paula's eyebrows lifted. "Maybe not, Ricky boy, but it would take the edge off." She sighed, looking at him. "Fine. If you don't want to do it for yourself, then at least do it for me." He only shot her a harsh look.
"It's late and I'm tired. Do you mind?"
She held up her hands in surrender and sighed. "Okay, okay. I'm going." She walked towards the door, stopped upon reaching it and turned around to face him again. "It will get better," she said gently. His head dropped at this.
"Thank you." He looked back up at her again and his lips pulled up into a frail smile.
"Bright and early tomorrow, Ricky. Bright and early." With that, Paula departed, leaving him alone with his thoughts... of her. Fantasies of her. Dreams of her.
He sighed heavily, got up and poured himself a drink before dropping onto the chaise longue, his back turned towards the door.
For the next fifteen minutes he remained there, his only solace the alcohol burning down his throat and the only sound, the ice cubes clinking against the inside of the glass in his hands. His mind, as it did each night and every day, drifted to her. To images of her scowling, rolling her eyes at him, frowning in concentration and smiling. God, her smile. He would never forget her smile. The last image to rush through his mind, however, was the one of her crying the night he left. He closed his eyes and shook his head in an effort to rid himself of the memory. He sighed, unwilling to get up. A few more silent moments later and almost drifting to sleep, Rick heard a door softly opening and closing and faint footsteps nearing him. He groaned and slumped even more.
'Paula,' he thought agitatedly.
"I fear no fate-" Rick tensed. "-for you are my fate, my sweet." That voice. He would know that voice from anywhere. He sat up slowly and turned around, pleading that his senses were not betraying him. Praying that fate wasn't playing a cruel joke and begging that love was not mocking his hopeful heart.
And there she was, more dazzling than ever; her hair falling softly across her face and off her shoulders and her green eyes shining brilliantly. He stood motionless, his heart slamming against his chest. The woman standing in front of him wasn't the fantasy that captivated his mind every day or the muse who occupied his dreams each night. This was the real woman who had invaded his every thought and fuelled his every desire. The real Kate Beckett, sovereign of his heart.
"I want no world, for beautiful you are my world, my true," Kate continued, softly smiling at him. He moved closer ever so slightly, a large smile teasing his lips.
"And it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you." She paused for a few moments, her eyes glittering with warm affection. She took a step closer. "Here is the deepest secret nobody knows." The small grin that pulled his lips upward now blossomed into a beaming smile. He took a few steps closer to her.
"Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life which grows higher that the soul can hope or mind can hide." They were now in touching distance from each other. "And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart." Kate moved into his personal space and placed a hand on his chest. Her eyes became moist as she looked up at him. "I carry your heart... I carry it in my heart," she concluded with a whisper. He looked at her, his eyes glistening with emotion.
"Kate-" She placed her fingers to his lips and pursed her own.
"I have a confession to make." She paused for a moment; emerald greens locking with cobalt blues. "Richard Castle." Her voice was soft and tender. "I'm in love with you." A smile pulled his lips upward. "I love you beyond my own wellbeing, beyond my own desires and beyond my own heart's beating... to paraphrase a famous author," she added with a grin, before growing thoughtful again. "What I did... taking those bullets... I didn't do it for you." His brow furrowed at this. "I did it for your family-" She paused before continuing. "-and me." She again pursed her lips into a thin line in an effort to control her emotions. "Because if I lost you... I wouldn't survive it."
He gently pulled her closer with one hand while the other hand gently tucked a few strands of hair behind her ear. He went on to gently rub away the tears streaming down her cheek, ignoring the tears slowly rolling down his own.
When he spoke after a few moments, his voice came out as a hoarse murmur. "You.. are... stunning." He darted his eyes over her features; from her eyes to her lips and back again. He slowly bent his head towards her, letting his lips hover above hers for a moment. "I love you," Rick whispered.
Simultaneously, both pairs of eyes closed as their lips met in an unhurried, soft and warm dance. In this moment, time stood still as their lips confessed silently to one another, making all things new.
Finally they broke apart, both pairs of eyes glazed over with unbridled happiness. Rick placed his forehead against hers and smiled broadly which she mimicked. "Best. Speech. Ever." Kate laughed and rolled her eyes.
They met for their third kiss - unrestrained and impassioned. The two almost lovers were completely unaware of how brightly Lanie's stars shone in the night sky or how Fate had conspired with time to bring them to this moment. To them. To the beginning of their life together.
X-X-X-X-X
If you wait for me then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart
If you think of me If you miss me once in awhile
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart
A/N: Okay this is OFFICIALLY my longest chapter and man what a chapter to write! Phew, it got pretty complicated and detailed. I wanted to add something at the end, but decided to leave it, it really just got too long. Sorry if it got too much, but it's important for me to get the emotions right and not to rush things. And I really wanted to end this theme of flashbacks.
I apologize if there are any spelling and grammar mistakes; I will correct them if I spot them.
I hope it was satisfying.
P.S. Lyrics at the end is from my favourite song of all time, "The Promise" by Tracy Chapman. The poem I used in Rick's letter and Kate's speech is E. E. Cummings' "i carry your heart." It's stunning, isn't it?
