Chapter 25 – Flowers for a Ghost

He was having a particular pleasurable dream - one that included moments of three of his favourite girls.
For the first few seconds (or minutes) of his dream state, he was playing in the park with a six or seven-year old spitting-image-of-Kate Lizzy who giggled and squealed in delight as he chased her and attacked her with a barrage of tickling. In the next instance, he was proudly attending Alexis' graduation as she passed her degree cum laude while she still had no plans for getting married – he was always pleased with that. The most vivid and usually the best dreamy moments, however, always included and mostly revolved around his muse. In the fantasy his mind was currently conjuring up, Kate (dressed in only his favourite stringy red bikini) was running ahead of him on the sandy beach behind their Hamptons home, throwing a carefree and utterly beautiful laugh over her shoulder. He faintly smiled and snuggled closer to the slender, warm body pressed against him.
He was about to get to the part where she (teasingly) undid the straps of the red bikini top when a sudden and painful jab to his ribs startled him awake. He scarcely had time to process what was happening when he felt a forceful kick to his shin and before he could protest, a foot connected with the one place he never wanted a foot to connect with. Ever. He winced and immediately let go of her fighting form and turned onto his back, pulled up his legs and took a moment to hiss a few expletives under his breath. A muffled sob, however, brought his attention back to his wife who was still struggling against some unseen enemy.
She was having a nightmare - the same one that haunted her over the years. It had become less and less frequent, but it was still there like a shadow in her mind. A demon that could not be exorcised. It didn't matter that he was there with her. It didn't matter that she was happy. It didn't matter that she had made peace with it.
It still haunted her.
Rick turned back towards her, took hold of her shoulders and gently jostled her, attempting to wake her.
"Kate... Katie," he pleaded softly. Rick had learnt over the years not to try and violently shake her out of it - a broken nose and busted lip were proof of that. She continued to moan and whimper, her face contorting in obvious distress.
"Kate," he said more forcefully while giving her a more insistent shake. Her eyes snapped open and after a frantic search in the moonlit dark, finally met his. Her first reaction was to tense and pull away from his hold. She was breathing hard and sweat was slowly trickling down her temple. Her throat was constricting and her eyes burned with tears.
"Hey, shhh... shhh. It's okay, it's okay," he soothed, pressing his forehead against hers. Rick gently framed her face and planted a few tender kisses in her hair. After a few moments, she abruptly pulled away, threw off the covers and got up.
He reached out for her. "Kate-"
"Just give me a minute," she snapped quietly, her voice hoarse and her back turned to him. A light suddenly went on, dimly illuminating their room. Rick threw off the covers and got up.
"Honey." Before he could reach his wife, she turned around and held up a hand to stop him.
Her jaw was set, but her voice shaky. "No. Please... just-" She dropped her hand and sighed. "-not now." With that Kate turned and walked out of their room. She left him staring after her - this was something that she had to deal with. Rick sighed and rubbed a hand over his face and pulled it through his hair.
She wasn't good at letting someone help carry her load. And he had made peace with the fact that they were taking baby steps to get her to let him shoulder some of her burdens, to help fight her personal demons. They still had a long road to go.
He let out a breath and got back in bed, waiting for her to return.
Waiting...
Always waiting.

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Her small, toothless mouth was slightly agape - an indication that she was sound asleep. Her tiny chest was rhythimcally rising and falling - a sign that she was dreaming peacefully. Lizzy was lying on her back with Snuggles close to her side, her plump arms on either side of her adorably little face - completely oblivious that her troubled guardian was keeping watch over her.
Kate lightly traced a finger over her daughter's rosy cheek and smiled faintly, her eyes suddenly welling.
She found comfort here.
She found peace here.
She found salvation here.
All this in the little life that she cherished, the little person that she has come to love with every single breath she took and with every beat of her own broken heart.
"Hey baby girl." Lizzy started to wriggle, but soon relaxed and let out a sigh of contentment. Kate smiled. "I love you so, so much. You know that right?" She paused for a moment, her throat burning and her vision becoming blurry. "And Mommy's going to be here to watch over you. Always. I promise." A few hot droplets trickled over the threshold of her eyes. "I promiseSweetheart," she whispered with tenacious conviction. Kate knew that she couldn't promise that. It was the one thing she could not promise - she couldn't guarantee that she would always be there for her daughter. She was painfully aware of that harsh reality.
However, despite her own agonizing encounter with loss, she wanted to promise her daughter, guarantee her that her mother would be there for all the important and even the mundane little things. All the painful, beautiful, precious moments that she never got to experience with her own mother.
Feeling the shadows that haunted her mind retracting for the time being, she let out a breath, bent down and sweetly kissed her daughter's head.
"I love you."

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She found him resting against the headboard, duvet over his legs, hands in his lap, sexy five o'clock stubble on his face, hair cutely ruffled and eyes closed. He wasn't sleeping. He was waiting for her; her partner, friend, lover for life was waiting for her.
Loyal. Patient. Worried.
Rick opened his eyes when he felt the bed shift slightly. His arms automatically opened, inviting her into his warmth. She gladly accepted.
Finally with her head resting against his chest (his heartbeat drumming soothingly in her ear), his arm around her and a few comforting kisses in her hair, Kate let out the breath she'd been holding. He was stroking her back languidly as they lay in silence - he didn't push her, he never did. He made that mistake once and it caused a nasty spat that led to one of the crappiest (and loneliest) weeks of his life. He had learned to be patient with her, to be patient for her.
"It was different this time." Her voice was soft, small and so unlike the woman he knew. Rick turned to look at her face and frowned; she didn't meet his eyes, but rather stared absent-mindedly at the strange shadows against the wall.
"Different?" He prodded gently, his hand never seizing its calming ministrations on her back.
She took a breath and briefly closed her eyes. When she spoke, her voice was a quiet, unsteady whisper. "I saw her... in the alley like always. I saw him too... saw him stalking her." She paused for a moment. "Saw him getting closer. I yelled, but she... she didn't hear me. It- I-" She choked back a sob. "I, I couldn't stop him. I was too late, again, Rick. Like always." He pulled her closer, already feeling a warm, moist patch forming on his shirt where her head was resting over his heart. He could see the streaks of tears rolling down her face - distraught, inconsolable tears. His vision became blurry. His heart broke like this every time hers broke.
He hated this. Absolutely hated the fact that he couldn't protect her from feeling this way. He hated his own helplessness.
He was cradling her, both arms wrapped protectively around her smaller, trembling body as she continued to quietly give in to the grief and the loss and the pain. "Shhh... I'm sorry, Katie. I'm so sorry." His voice was raspy with emotion. After a few moments, Kate wiped at her eyes and slightly shifted her head to meet his eyes.
She wasn't finished.
"When I got to her, it wasn't my mother lying there... dying." She paused again, eyes welling up again. "It was me."
His jaw clenched and his stomach churned. Rick instinctively pulled her closer and pressed a hard, lingering kiss on top of her head. They were quiet for a while before she spoke again, her voice vulnerable.
"I just... I don't want to put Lizzy-"
His head snapped down to look at her. "Hey, look at me," he cut her off and gently grasped her chin. "Don't ever, ever talk like that."
"But-"
"No, Kate." His voice was firm and insisting and laced with a certain fiery conviction. His blue eyes flashed heatedly. He knew that there was always a chance - in the line of fire - that she wouldn't come home one day. He knew what was at stake, but it didn't mean that he wanted her to think or to talk like that because it was no way to live a full, happy life.
She sighed. Deciding that she didn't want him to share in her fear just yet, she relented. After a few silent, contemplative moments she spoke again. "I want us to go see her tomorrow."
Rick nodded in perfect understanding, bent down and kissed her tenderly. "Okay... Whatever you need, Love." He engulfed her in his arms and rested his stubbly cheek on top of her head. "Whatever you need."
He meant it.
He always did.

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The sun was shining, the grass was green, the sky was blue and the air was crisp. Everything in nature as it should be. However, for her things always felt out of sync here. It felt strange to see life bloom where death resided. It didn't make sense. Life in a place of death just didn't make sense.
Kate was grasping her husband's arm tightly as he pushed the stroller, their daughter curiously glancing around - still blissfully ignorant about what this visit really meant. They reached the black, marble headstone, not too different from the others around it. It always shocked her - her mother's name carved into the black stone seemed so alien, yet it made it real; it was a manifestation of the stark reality.
They stood in silence for a moment, the only sound Lizzy's happy and unintelligible babbling. Kate let go of Rick's arm, walked a few steps, bent down and placed the bouquet of white roses (as per usual) on her mother's grave and lingered there.
"Hey Mom," she whispered, gently tracing the carved-out letters of her mother's name. Rick swallowed past the lump in his throat watching her reverence and longing. It was tragic, but absolutely poignant and his writer's mind could not help but appreciate the beauty of the moment. After a few moments, Kate stood up (after wiping her eyes) and picked up her daughter from the stroller before turning to her husband and holding out a hand. He wrapped it in his larger one and stepped closer, but didn't say anything. He never did.
He was stoic and silent, respectful of the bond between mother and daughter. A relationship, a bond - to his regret - he never got to see.
"Mom, this is Elizabeth Johanna Castle. Your adorable granddaughter who is a whole six months old next week." She spoke with affection and unmistakeable pride. Kate grinned and looked at her baby girl who's attention was on her mother's face, a tiny hand plastered against her mother's cheek. "Lizzy, this is your other grandmother," she whispered to her daughter, smiling despite the tears pooling in her eyes. "Don't forget about her, okay baby? Please don't forget about her." Her voice broke as the tears started to flow freely. She felt his strong arm wrap around her shoulders and pulling her closer to him, letting her head rest on his shoulder; letting her grieve with him, with them.
She knew that her mother wasn't here. Johanna Beckett wasn't in the black marble stone, she wasn't in the carved-out letters, she wasn't in the earth. She was in her daughter and in her granddaughter. But for Kate, her mother was also in the remembrance, the acknowledgement of her life and her legacy.
A life and a legacy her daughter would know about.

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Later...
"Mission accomplished," Rick announced relieved as he stepped off the last stair. Kate looked up at him and smiled broadly.
"She asleep?" She was sitting cross-legged on the ground amidst various photo albums. She was dressed in a comfortable pair of old, worn out (ass-hugging) jeans and a simple white t-shirt, hair down and barefoot. In her husband's eyes she was incredibly sexy being all barefoot and domestic in those ass-hugging jeans and simple white t-shirt.
He plopped down onto the couch next to where she was sitting on the ground. "Yeah... finally." He threw his head back onto the back of the couch and let out a breath, briefly closing his eyes.
Kate pushed herself off the ground and onto the couch next to him. "Uh-huh. See? I told you. It's much more difficult to get her to sleep if you tamper with her routine... Daddy," she said with a knowing smirk as he wrapped an arm around her shoulders.
"But we had a good time! She needs to have some fun with her old man before she grows up and goes off to college," he grumbled with a pout. Kate laughed and shook her head.
"Castle, she's not even six months old."
"Yeah well, she's growing up too fast already," he mumbled unhappily, his brow furrowing. His features however quickly lit up. "Did you see how she followed the helicopter around? She knew exactly where it was," he beamed proudly with a broad smile. Kate smiled and rolled her eyes in amusement before bending down and picking up some of the photo albums off the ground. "It's official KC - our kid is a genius."
"Well, she must get that from me then. No way you can label a nine-year-old-on-a-sugar-rush a genius," she teased good naturedly. He narrowed his eyes at her before smiling slyly.
"At least she's got my looks," he shot back.
"Oh puhlease, Writer Boy. For all you know she could be the milk man's daughter."
"We don't have a milk man." He grinned at her, self-satisfied. "C'mon, KC, just admit that there's at least some parts of our beautiful daughter that can be traced back to your ruggedly handsome husband."
"Shut up," she stubbornly replied with a grin before kissing him deeply. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her back with him against the back of the couch.
"What are you looking at?" He asked after a few moments, noticing the various photo albums strewn around.
"Just some pictures. You, me, Lex. A few with your mother and my dad." She turned to look at him. "I also found a few of my mom."
"Let me see," he said gently. He already saw all the pictures with Johanna Beckett in them, but each time he saw something different, each time he found a different story in the images.
"She was beautiful, Kate," Rick commented quietly as he looked at the pictures of Johanna Beckett with her family.
"Yeah... she was," she replied with a small, sentimental smile.
He turned to look at his wife who was focused on the pictures he had in his hand. "You look like her." She looked up at him. "Just as beautiful. Inside and out," he continued sincerely. He bent down and pressed a sweet kiss against the corner of her mouth.
"You're such a cheeseball sometimes, Castle."
'Thank you for being there. For having my back.'
He smiled at her warmly. "But you love me for it."
'Always.'
She kissed him again. "Yeah... yes I do. A lot."
"Feeling's mutual."

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Who will bring me flowers when it's over?

And who will give me comfort when it's cold?

Who will I belong to when the day just won't give in?

And who will tell me how it ends and how it all begins?

Don't ever say goodbye.

P.S. the title is a stunning song from Thriving Ivory and the lyrics at the end is from that song. I love it (as those who have read 'Flowers for a Ghost' probably can deduct).